I have been away from this blog for quite some time, with every intention of returning. A lot has happened within the past almost two years that has kept me from returning fully. I had to take time to heal, grieve, deal with family affairs, and attempt to manage my life healthily. I recently experienced the unexpected passing of my Mother, which to this day I still struggle to fully accept, even though I know the reality.
One thing I have noticed about grief, as of late, is that it is very uncomfortable. Not only is it uncomfortable for the person experiencing the grief, but it is also uncomfortable for those who have to witness the grief and be in the presence of it. Everyone hopes that you are doing better, and they mean well, but it seems as though, more than anything, they just don’t want to deal with the discomfort of hearing you express your complex, raw feelings or even worse, see you cry. The only other option is to just hold it together as best one can and hope that when the grieving emotions hit, you’re somewhere private or with people you know you can trust to empathize with you and help you can process the rush of emotions.
Grieving also utilizes much of your energy reserves. It is insanely difficult for many people to work full time and go to school at the same time while taking care of a family, yet many people like my Mother had to do that. Add grief to that and it’s nearly impossible unless some areas of your life get less energy than others. It’s been almost two years of certain areas of my life getting less attention just to preserve enough energy to handle much of my Mother’s postmortem affairs. As a result I feel like I don’t have the space to grieve in the best way. I thankfully have family members and friends that were able to help and provide support, but because of probate laws, oftentimes the immediate family member living in the state of the loved one who passed on has to take on much of the tasks that arise. That’s me.
I miss my Mother very much, so it’s hard to really know if I will ever completely be whole. At the very least I know that she wouldn’t want me to neglect myself, and I wouldn’t want the same either. There are a few things I’ve been doing to help when my energy reserves are critically low.
First, I seek out trustworthy social support. This includes therapy, which has helped provide me with tools to process and work through grief as I navigate my life. This also includes talking with my sisters, who were experiencing grief in similar phases as me, albeit at different levels and at different times. Human connection via social support has been found to “enhance wellbeing and health in many populations,” while being without healthy social support results in a decline in overall health and quality of life.
Second, I started meditating again. I use the Balance and Calm apps to assist me with guided meditations. Both Calm and Balance also have other features like daily check-ins, music for focus and sleep, stories, and words of wisdom. Utilizing these features has helped me learn to not judge my emotions, work through them, and practice mastery of my mind.
And finally, I’m using exercising apps to help hold myself accountable for my daily physical activity, which can help ease the pain of grief. I honestly spent a lot of time in bed laying down after my Mom’s passing. I struggled to get out of bed except for the essential bed-exiting activities like using the restroom, eating, and going to work. After almost a year of this, and with a bit of encouragement from my primary care doctor, I decided to continue my exercise routine using the Hinge Health app playlists (provided via my insurance) and restart yoga via the Down Dog app.
I do believe that I am on the path to a better place. Every day can bring challenges and challenging emotions, but I am more equipped with the tools to handle them. I am comforted by the fact that my Mom is at rest and that she is a part of me; with me for the rest of my life.
